Panda Porn an Epic Failure

December 28, 2010 at 5:43 pm (Adult Dating, BBW, Big Beautiful Woman, Panda Porn, Performance Anxiety) (, , , )

Chuang Chuang the Panda at Chiang Mai Zoo in Northern Thaliand doesn’t like porn. Seems he just isn’t that into sex in general. He’s got a big beautiful woman panda in his cage with him, but so far he doesn’t seem interested. Maybe she’s not his type. Maybe he’s too scared to approach her. Maybe he’s gay. Who knows. Apparently, the world of panda adult dating is more complicated than we thought. Someone needs to buy that panda a drink.

In an attempt to get Chuang Chuang up for a little randy action, handlers at the zoo ordered Mr. Asexual a big, healthy dose of panda pornography. XXX movies for pandas are just like ours – they feature two of the black and white beasties going at it. All the action is from the rear, of course – my favorite. I bet there are a lot of furries out there who would love to see some of that action! They’re probably sewing their panda costumes as I type.

Handlers also speculated that Chuang Chuang didn’t know what the fuck he was doing, as in, he just didn’t know how to fuck. The porn was also supposed to work as a sort of instruction manual. While Chuang Chuang watches and learns, his big-boned woman panda friend has been put in another cage. I bet she’s hoping there’s at least one scene in the flick where the girl panda sits on the guy panda’s face.

While handlers are hoping for a blissful, x-rated reunion, Chuang Chuang just doesn’t seem to care. The videos aren’t doing it for him.

There are only 1,600 giant pandas in central China; most live in the region’s mountain forests. There are an additional 120 in breeding facilities in the country and around 20 in zoos outside of China. The species’ endangered status makes it very important that Chuang Chuang gets his groove back. Hmm, maybe he has performance anxiety….

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You Should Masturbate

December 3, 2010 at 9:33 pm (BBW, Big Beautiful Woman, Dating Online) (, )

You don’t really need another reason to masturbate, do you? I know I don’t. Maybe you were raised Roman Catholic and have some lingering issues with it, but here’s why you should never feel guilty about rubbing one out.

It’s Better than Counting Sheep

If you’re ever having trouble falling asleep, try jacking off. The intense physical movement followed by intense release creates a state of deep relaxation. The fantasy involved is also sure to take your mind off the ten finance reports/articles/drawings of monkeys you need to get done at work tomorrow and let you wonder peacefully off to zzz land.

Gentleman Always Masturbate

A key to ensuring you are a gentleman with the new big beautiful woman you are dating online is to adjust the antenna before going out with her, after going out with her, in the bathroom while out with her (just kidding?) – whatever it takes to make it appear as if you aren’t the horny bastard you actually are. Women can smell the horniness on a bastard. The less horny you seem, the more horny she’ll get. Applying the handbrake will keep you sane.

Safety

Hmmm. You don’t like to typecast people, particularly women, but the girl you’re on a ‘date’ with (you met her in the man’s bathroom two minutes ago), seems to know every man in the bar intimately, and is pressuring you to return to the stalls for a quickie, even though neither of you have protection. It’s really hard to say no to her fishnets, however, going home, or to the stall, to flog the dong, could help you dodge a big bullet here. Sex with yourself is the safest sex you can have.

Fun with One Another

There’s something both strangely exciting and incredibly intimate about bringing yourself to orgasm with a sexy partner. You get a glimpse into how your beautiful woman makes herself cum when she’s alone, and she gets to see the same; it can actually create a sense of closeness that fucking can’t. And trust me, it’s just hot.

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